“Can you put this Johnny on, BN”

I’ve decided there should be code words attached to:

“You need to put this Johnny on” when you’re at the doctors.

It confuses me every time.

I know you want these clothes off, but how much do you want off? The top, the bottom? The undies, the bra?

I’ve found myself in two instances where I honestly just didn’t know what to do. One of them being today and one of them being before a surgery.

Today: I woke up this morning as a pretty normal human. I decided like most functioning adults that maybe I should shower. So I did. This is when my down fall happened (literally) - I walked out of the shower and all of a sudden I had an immediate urge to throw up everywhere, or to faint. This sensation took over my body like a spell Sabrina the Teenage Witch would cast upon her arch enemy at the prom.   

My body decided to faint. Before fainting I luckily was able to call out to my mom: “Mom I feel sick, I’m going to faint.” My mom describes it this way “You were about to fall onto the sink.” So, good thing my mom was home. Thanks mom!

I was able to give my mom a heads up simply because, I’m a fainting professional.

 

Just about this time in 2005 I was faced with a similar situation. I was a freshman at Lyndon State College and I was just getting in the swing of things. One morning I took a shower, much like I did today, like any normal adult. All of a sudden as I shut off the shower, BAM, it was happening, blackness was taking over my vision. So I did what I thought was the right thing to do, to run as fast as I could to my dorm room. Only problem was, I only made it to the door. I fainted on my dorm room door, buck naked. The best part was that my roommate opened the door and my lifeless body fell into the room.

 

Luckily my roomate was and still is an angel and fed me Gatorade and we were able to laugh about it as we proceded to drive to Burlington Vermont and throw stale jelly beans at cars, but thats a story for another day. 

So you see, this isn’t my first time fainting. I’m a professional.

BACK TO THE JOHNNY’S: So today, I’m at the doctors and the nurse tells me to “put this on” (hands me a Johnny.) Now I know they are doing some kind of heart tests, so instinctively I take my shirt off. But then I’m thinking: wait, does this mean my bra too? Wait, what IF I do need to be naked? As I’m contemplating all of this I hear a knock at the door.

“Um, I’m not ready one second!” I yell. (Buck naked.)

“Ok, take your time.”

Back to deliberation. Ok, a heart test. I should just keep my pants on. Take my shirt off? But what if they need my bra off and it’s on?

I take the bra off.

The nurse comes in and takes the tests. Oh wait, best part, it’s a male nurse. (Obviously this would happen.) So there I am, shirtless, braless, and… awesome? All I can think of while we are making small talk about football and how cold it is outside is: Welp, this guy is just seeing it all. And as the test goes on, I realize, I should have kept my bra on.

 

How should I have known though?

 

My Nose Surgery: I had bad sinus problems. Real bad, I used to get sinus infections 1,2,3,4,5 times a month? I had a deviated septum and also incredibly small holes up there to breathe out of. Yes it was awful. So the doctor literally drilled the holes bigger so I wouldn't have sinus problems anymore. My doctor told me my voice would change and I would sound like Celine Dion. This did not happen, but I did go into my nose surgery naked under my Johnny because an old woman in the changing room told me to go in "buck naked." I trusted her.

(I'm supposed to sound like this.)

 

The same panic mode happened to me that day too after I heard these dreadful words:

 

 “You should put this Johnny on”

 

Um, okay, but how much clothes do I need to shed?! In this instance luckily that old lady in the next changing room told me what was up. Unfortunately, everyone I tell this story to laughs at me and tells me I DIDN’T HAVE TO BE NAKED FOR A NOSE SURGERY!

BUT HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!?

They need code words.

“Can you put this Johnny on, NPU” (No pants/undies)

“Can you put this Johnny on, NSB” (No shirt/bra)

“Can you put this Johnny on, BN” (Buck Naked)

Let’s face it, you’re at the doctors for some reason, do you REALLY need to be worrying about something else too? NO, they should just use these codes.

If anyone else knows the secrets of knowing exactly how much clothing to take off, please tell me.