Why did I have to wear my beer T-shirt today? Dang it all.

I joined a gym. I'm really excited about this, I swear.

There is something different about this gym, something I have never seen in my life. There is a place called the “all women’s” area.  I don’t understand this. There isn’t an “all men’s” area? Is this the compensation we receive for still earning less than men? Our own workout area? Wow, how thoughtful, thanks? Anyways, since I got there at prime time: 7:00pm, most of the machines were being used in the “regular” area, so I strolled into the world of "girls only". I got up on the elliptical and realized something strange as I grew a foot taller. There is a big glass window in front of me.

 I am staring at all the "others” and even worse, all the “others” are staring at me. Literally we are face to face. This is uncomfortable. I am not one of those girls that puts thought into gym attire, I will not be wearing headbands or fitted water resistant shirts. I will most likely be sporting my 1998 MTOC t-shirt and my go-to Lyndon sweatpants. On this day I was wearing my awesome Colorado State University sweatshirt and underneath a Fat Tire beer T-shirt, even better.

Did I mention I have asthma? Well, now my shiny blue inhaler is propped up like a sorcerer’s sword for all “the others” to see, never mind the poor people around me that have to listen to my heavy breathing (I’m so sorry, turn up your music, that’s what I do). I hope they think my inhaler is mace. Don’t look at me, or you’ll get it. I will jump off my horse (elliptical) and use my sword (my inhaler/mace).

 This set up is just not conducive to my needs. I am on display. I feel like a sweaty, panting, disgusting human in some kind of scientific experiment for all others to gaze upon. I jump down from my elliptical horse and stroll to the special spray that will magically get rid of all my germs I left on the giant animal. I am finished with this social experiment, good day!

I hate talking to people at the gym. Or while I’m exercising in general, I just want to get it over with. So when a boy started walking towards me as I was cleaning off my elliptical horse, I wanted to turn into Alex Mack and squirm right out of that situation in puddle form. Unfortunately I am a human with no super natural powers so I had no choice but to stand there gripping my inhaler (mace/sword) and act like I didn’t see him coming over (naturally).

Did you go to Colorado State University? He asks me as his crest white teeth are exposed and his beautiful blue eyes make it hard for me to keep eye contact. Did I mention I was sweating?  I have no idea why he is asking me and I instantly think he must be a mind reader? A stalker? Either way I am mesmerized by his smile and blue eyes, his hair is waving lightly to the side, it's dark brown and looks like he just came from Supercuts and they styled it for him. He resembles Eric from the Little Mermaid if he were a human, I know, attractive, right? Then I snap out of it and remember that I had on my Colorado State sweatshirt earlier and I explain to him that I did go there and that I wish I was at Horsetooth Reservoir (a beautiful spot in Fort Collins, Google image it, you will not be disappointed). Then I get even more excited as I remember that I’m wearing my Fat Tire beer T-shirt (which is only the most delicious beer in all of the world, that is also made in Fort Collins!) so I show him excitedly -and I’m talking first day of Kindergarten -I dressed myself for the first time – excitedly: Did you see my shirt too?!  He then replies by telling me he can’t drink anymore and that’s why he works out, but that was his favorite beer. On that note, we go our separate ways, I tell him to take care and I meant it. He was really nice.

Why did I have to wear my beer T-shirt today? Dang it all. Maybe I should look into those water resistant shirts; maybe it would absorb my sweat while not shouting out to people “I drink beer”.  But then my “Malness” kicks in and I make some bullet points about this gym night in my mind they include:

1)      I will never go into the “all women’s” area again.

2)      I will wear my beer t-shirts, my 1998 MTOC shirt and my favorite Billy Joel shirt that just has his face enlarged across the front, because I like those things.

3)      Everyone sweats. It’s natural and shows I am a healthy human, right?
4)      I can’t wait to be one of the “others”
5)      Thank you Fort Collins, CO – you brought an attractive boy over to me

6)      Take care attractive Eric from the Little Mermaid in human form, take care.



Dang it all.