“Can you put this Johnny on, BN”

I’ve decided there should be code words attached to:

“You need to put this Johnny on” when you’re at the doctors.

It confuses me every time.

I know you want these clothes off, but how much do you want off? The top, the bottom? The undies, the bra?

I’ve found myself in two instances where I honestly just didn’t know what to do. One of them being today and one of them being before a surgery.

Today: I woke up this morning as a pretty normal human. I decided like most functioning adults that maybe I should shower. So I did. This is when my down fall happened (literally) - I walked out of the shower and all of a sudden I had an immediate urge to throw up everywhere, or to faint. This sensation took over my body like a spell Sabrina the Teenage Witch would cast upon her arch enemy at the prom.   

My body decided to faint. Before fainting I luckily was able to call out to my mom: “Mom I feel sick, I’m going to faint.” My mom describes it this way “You were about to fall onto the sink.” So, good thing my mom was home. Thanks mom!

I was able to give my mom a heads up simply because, I’m a fainting professional.

 

Just about this time in 2005 I was faced with a similar situation. I was a freshman at Lyndon State College and I was just getting in the swing of things. One morning I took a shower, much like I did today, like any normal adult. All of a sudden as I shut off the shower, BAM, it was happening, blackness was taking over my vision. So I did what I thought was the right thing to do, to run as fast as I could to my dorm room. Only problem was, I only made it to the door. I fainted on my dorm room door, buck naked. The best part was that my roommate opened the door and my lifeless body fell into the room.

 

Luckily my roomate was and still is an angel and fed me Gatorade and we were able to laugh about it as we proceded to drive to Burlington Vermont and throw stale jelly beans at cars, but thats a story for another day. 

So you see, this isn’t my first time fainting. I’m a professional.

BACK TO THE JOHNNY’S: So today, I’m at the doctors and the nurse tells me to “put this on” (hands me a Johnny.) Now I know they are doing some kind of heart tests, so instinctively I take my shirt off. But then I’m thinking: wait, does this mean my bra too? Wait, what IF I do need to be naked? As I’m contemplating all of this I hear a knock at the door.

“Um, I’m not ready one second!” I yell. (Buck naked.)

“Ok, take your time.”

Back to deliberation. Ok, a heart test. I should just keep my pants on. Take my shirt off? But what if they need my bra off and it’s on?

I take the bra off.

The nurse comes in and takes the tests. Oh wait, best part, it’s a male nurse. (Obviously this would happen.) So there I am, shirtless, braless, and… awesome? All I can think of while we are making small talk about football and how cold it is outside is: Welp, this guy is just seeing it all. And as the test goes on, I realize, I should have kept my bra on.

 

How should I have known though?

 

My Nose Surgery: I had bad sinus problems. Real bad, I used to get sinus infections 1,2,3,4,5 times a month? I had a deviated septum and also incredibly small holes up there to breathe out of. Yes it was awful. So the doctor literally drilled the holes bigger so I wouldn't have sinus problems anymore. My doctor told me my voice would change and I would sound like Celine Dion. This did not happen, but I did go into my nose surgery naked under my Johnny because an old woman in the changing room told me to go in "buck naked." I trusted her.

(I'm supposed to sound like this.)

 

The same panic mode happened to me that day too after I heard these dreadful words:

 

 “You should put this Johnny on”

 

Um, okay, but how much clothes do I need to shed?! In this instance luckily that old lady in the next changing room told me what was up. Unfortunately, everyone I tell this story to laughs at me and tells me I DIDN’T HAVE TO BE NAKED FOR A NOSE SURGERY!

BUT HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!?

They need code words.

“Can you put this Johnny on, NPU” (No pants/undies)

“Can you put this Johnny on, NSB” (No shirt/bra)

“Can you put this Johnny on, BN” (Buck Naked)

Let’s face it, you’re at the doctors for some reason, do you REALLY need to be worrying about something else too? NO, they should just use these codes.

If anyone else knows the secrets of knowing exactly how much clothing to take off, please tell me.  

Find and celebrate the things in life you love.

A lot of porch sitting.

That’s what I’ve been doing.

Sitting & thinking & remembering & making lists.

This is what happens when you’re 25 and you move home after a year of service in AmeriCorps:

·         First, you run out of money, almost immediately.

·         But before that, for like a hot second, you are on top of the world. You can do WHATEVER YOU WANT. So what did I do? Well, I went to Walden Pond a lot, I went on vacation with my hilarious family, I reconnected with my friends, I celebrated life with friends, I said goodbye to some friends (not like “ GOOD RIDDANCE!" more like: “HAVE FUN ON YOUR ADVENTURE” type of goodbyes (which are the best kind), I took more pictures of all of the above, I ate more ice cream, I missed Cody while I sat on my porch, I ran more, I talked politics with J Kirk, I went to Kohl’s with Lo. I applied for jobs. I said YES when a friend asked if I wanted to do something (anything). What did I learn? I am a horrible row boater, seriously bad. I also had time to think about my friends, about how long I’ve known some of them, and about how freaking talented they all are. Everyone is into something different, but hot damn, they’re all working their shit. (Keep doing that, I love you.)

·         Second, (after you are on top of the world, when the money is gone) you will clean a closet filled with memories for gas money. I kept my 7^th grade agenda. Why did I do this? I have no idea. But I realized I was busy in 7^th grade. Much busier than I am now. This made me think; I should get busier, so now, I will. (Thanks 7^th grade soccer & *NSYNC obsessed me.)

·         Third, you might try to be an adult. I tried to be an adult. (Or I guess, I am being an adult?No, no, that sounds so scary, I'm "trying to be an adult" - okay.) I made some big choices. Choices that I would usually go against; like picking the “responsible” route instead of what I really wanted to do. So far, I have realized this: No matter where you are, you can find and celebrate the things in life you love. I may not be able to see my friends every day, but I can call them and remind myself how lucky I am to know them. I may not be able to go climb the Rockies whenever I want, but I can drive to Wazels and climb the rocks! It always goes back to attitude. Choose to be happy, to celebrate life and life will love you right back.

·         Fourth, you might start wearing spandex. I started wearing spandex under dresses. Let’s face it, you might forget you’re wearing a dress or you might want to climb a tree. Plus it has a slimming effect, right?

·         Fifth, you will try new things. Going forward, I’m going to try new things. I am going to be taking different type of Yoga classes and writing about my experiences. I’m uncoordinated and awkward so that should be interesting. One of the classes involves some aerial yoga, YIKES. That should be fun? I’m going to say yes more, I’m going to expand myself in ways I can, where I am. So look out for these new adventures, I’ll be writing about them.

·         Sixth, you WILL eat Nutella – Oh my god. It’s unreal. It’s chocolate frosting in disguise. Eat it.

·         Seventh, if you are 25 and home alone during the day you will start to have solo dance parties in your kitchen around 3:00pm.

·         Eighth, 8^th grade. (This one might not happen for you.) I’m hopeful that I will be re-experiencing 8^th grade this year. Fingers crossed. 8^th grade.

·         Ninth is a weird word to write and to say. (I think I spelled that wrong?)

·         Tenth, you will take more pictures and listen to music. (That might really happen.) Okay here they are: my pictures, things to add to my "list of things to try" and Elton John. Some other things too:

 

This was a Monday , it took us 10 minutes to hike here. We got lost on the way back somehow, met a lady, got a history lesson, saw peach trees and met dogs....getting lost is excellent. (Most of the time)

 

I became friends with a duck who I named Muffin.

 

I learned about Disc Golf, but was nervous to throw the discs. I should try to throw them, right? On my list.

Crystal the mermaid swims and I watch. Must learn to swim. On my list!

 

When in doubt, noodle fight.

 

 

YOLO

 

I listen to this on repeat

 

 

When this comes on the radio, I don't care who you are, you sing this, you sing this loud.