I have to pull a Men in Black...

I have a confession. I honestly did not like my last blog post.

I don’t know, it rubbed me the wrong way after I read it.

It sounded like my journal that I write in at night when I'm blasting Ani DiFranco or Fiona Apple while drinking whiskey. (That statement was dramitized for effect)

So, I’m sorry, but I have to pull a Men in Black and erase your memory....

That was too much, I won't let myself overflow on this keyboard ever again.

Anyways....

I had a great day and I know why. I was surrounded by kids when the first snowfall of the season arrived this afternoon.

It was wonderful, my soul was smiling. The excitement they have for small pleasures in life is beautiful. Remember to spend time with youth. They remind you what really matters in life.  

and...umm....

That’s all......I hope you're having a wonderful day :)

“Can you put this Johnny on, BN”

I’ve decided there should be code words attached to:

“You need to put this Johnny on” when you’re at the doctors.

It confuses me every time.

I know you want these clothes off, but how much do you want off? The top, the bottom? The undies, the bra?

I’ve found myself in two instances where I honestly just didn’t know what to do. One of them being today and one of them being before a surgery.

Today: I woke up this morning as a pretty normal human. I decided like most functioning adults that maybe I should shower. So I did. This is when my down fall happened (literally) - I walked out of the shower and all of a sudden I had an immediate urge to throw up everywhere, or to faint. This sensation took over my body like a spell Sabrina the Teenage Witch would cast upon her arch enemy at the prom.   

My body decided to faint. Before fainting I luckily was able to call out to my mom: “Mom I feel sick, I’m going to faint.” My mom describes it this way “You were about to fall onto the sink.” So, good thing my mom was home. Thanks mom!

I was able to give my mom a heads up simply because, I’m a fainting professional.

 

Just about this time in 2005 I was faced with a similar situation. I was a freshman at Lyndon State College and I was just getting in the swing of things. One morning I took a shower, much like I did today, like any normal adult. All of a sudden as I shut off the shower, BAM, it was happening, blackness was taking over my vision. So I did what I thought was the right thing to do, to run as fast as I could to my dorm room. Only problem was, I only made it to the door. I fainted on my dorm room door, buck naked. The best part was that my roommate opened the door and my lifeless body fell into the room.

 

Luckily my roomate was and still is an angel and fed me Gatorade and we were able to laugh about it as we proceded to drive to Burlington Vermont and throw stale jelly beans at cars, but thats a story for another day. 

So you see, this isn’t my first time fainting. I’m a professional.

BACK TO THE JOHNNY’S: So today, I’m at the doctors and the nurse tells me to “put this on” (hands me a Johnny.) Now I know they are doing some kind of heart tests, so instinctively I take my shirt off. But then I’m thinking: wait, does this mean my bra too? Wait, what IF I do need to be naked? As I’m contemplating all of this I hear a knock at the door.

“Um, I’m not ready one second!” I yell. (Buck naked.)

“Ok, take your time.”

Back to deliberation. Ok, a heart test. I should just keep my pants on. Take my shirt off? But what if they need my bra off and it’s on?

I take the bra off.

The nurse comes in and takes the tests. Oh wait, best part, it’s a male nurse. (Obviously this would happen.) So there I am, shirtless, braless, and… awesome? All I can think of while we are making small talk about football and how cold it is outside is: Welp, this guy is just seeing it all. And as the test goes on, I realize, I should have kept my bra on.

 

How should I have known though?

 

My Nose Surgery: I had bad sinus problems. Real bad, I used to get sinus infections 1,2,3,4,5 times a month? I had a deviated septum and also incredibly small holes up there to breathe out of. Yes it was awful. So the doctor literally drilled the holes bigger so I wouldn't have sinus problems anymore. My doctor told me my voice would change and I would sound like Celine Dion. This did not happen, but I did go into my nose surgery naked under my Johnny because an old woman in the changing room told me to go in "buck naked." I trusted her.

(I'm supposed to sound like this.)

 

The same panic mode happened to me that day too after I heard these dreadful words:

 

 “You should put this Johnny on”

 

Um, okay, but how much clothes do I need to shed?! In this instance luckily that old lady in the next changing room told me what was up. Unfortunately, everyone I tell this story to laughs at me and tells me I DIDN’T HAVE TO BE NAKED FOR A NOSE SURGERY!

BUT HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!?

They need code words.

“Can you put this Johnny on, NPU” (No pants/undies)

“Can you put this Johnny on, NSB” (No shirt/bra)

“Can you put this Johnny on, BN” (Buck Naked)

Let’s face it, you’re at the doctors for some reason, do you REALLY need to be worrying about something else too? NO, they should just use these codes.

If anyone else knows the secrets of knowing exactly how much clothing to take off, please tell me.  

Find and celebrate the things in life you love.

A lot of porch sitting.

That’s what I’ve been doing.

Sitting & thinking & remembering & making lists.

This is what happens when you’re 25 and you move home after a year of service in AmeriCorps:

·         First, you run out of money, almost immediately.

·         But before that, for like a hot second, you are on top of the world. You can do WHATEVER YOU WANT. So what did I do? Well, I went to Walden Pond a lot, I went on vacation with my hilarious family, I reconnected with my friends, I celebrated life with friends, I said goodbye to some friends (not like “ GOOD RIDDANCE!" more like: “HAVE FUN ON YOUR ADVENTURE” type of goodbyes (which are the best kind), I took more pictures of all of the above, I ate more ice cream, I missed Cody while I sat on my porch, I ran more, I talked politics with J Kirk, I went to Kohl’s with Lo. I applied for jobs. I said YES when a friend asked if I wanted to do something (anything). What did I learn? I am a horrible row boater, seriously bad. I also had time to think about my friends, about how long I’ve known some of them, and about how freaking talented they all are. Everyone is into something different, but hot damn, they’re all working their shit. (Keep doing that, I love you.)

·         Second, (after you are on top of the world, when the money is gone) you will clean a closet filled with memories for gas money. I kept my 7^th grade agenda. Why did I do this? I have no idea. But I realized I was busy in 7^th grade. Much busier than I am now. This made me think; I should get busier, so now, I will. (Thanks 7^th grade soccer & *NSYNC obsessed me.)

·         Third, you might try to be an adult. I tried to be an adult. (Or I guess, I am being an adult?No, no, that sounds so scary, I'm "trying to be an adult" - okay.) I made some big choices. Choices that I would usually go against; like picking the “responsible” route instead of what I really wanted to do. So far, I have realized this: No matter where you are, you can find and celebrate the things in life you love. I may not be able to see my friends every day, but I can call them and remind myself how lucky I am to know them. I may not be able to go climb the Rockies whenever I want, but I can drive to Wazels and climb the rocks! It always goes back to attitude. Choose to be happy, to celebrate life and life will love you right back.

·         Fourth, you might start wearing spandex. I started wearing spandex under dresses. Let’s face it, you might forget you’re wearing a dress or you might want to climb a tree. Plus it has a slimming effect, right?

·         Fifth, you will try new things. Going forward, I’m going to try new things. I am going to be taking different type of Yoga classes and writing about my experiences. I’m uncoordinated and awkward so that should be interesting. One of the classes involves some aerial yoga, YIKES. That should be fun? I’m going to say yes more, I’m going to expand myself in ways I can, where I am. So look out for these new adventures, I’ll be writing about them.

·         Sixth, you WILL eat Nutella – Oh my god. It’s unreal. It’s chocolate frosting in disguise. Eat it.

·         Seventh, if you are 25 and home alone during the day you will start to have solo dance parties in your kitchen around 3:00pm.

·         Eighth, 8^th grade. (This one might not happen for you.) I’m hopeful that I will be re-experiencing 8^th grade this year. Fingers crossed. 8^th grade.

·         Ninth is a weird word to write and to say. (I think I spelled that wrong?)

·         Tenth, you will take more pictures and listen to music. (That might really happen.) Okay here they are: my pictures, things to add to my "list of things to try" and Elton John. Some other things too:

 

This was a Monday , it took us 10 minutes to hike here. We got lost on the way back somehow, met a lady, got a history lesson, saw peach trees and met dogs....getting lost is excellent. (Most of the time)

 

I became friends with a duck who I named Muffin.

 

I learned about Disc Golf, but was nervous to throw the discs. I should try to throw them, right? On my list.

Crystal the mermaid swims and I watch. Must learn to swim. On my list!

 

When in doubt, noodle fight.

 

 

YOLO

 

I listen to this on repeat

 

 

When this comes on the radio, I don't care who you are, you sing this, you sing this loud.

Phone turned off. Pounding candy. Getting "tan."

Today, I am unemployed.

I finished my year of AmeriCorps. It’s a bitter sweet feeling really. I miss the fellows dearly.

I’ll give you some bulletin points of some highlights, thoughts, lessons, and interesting characters I’ve encountered throughout the past month(s):

·         Man on the commuter rail most defiantly in the “dog house.” Gripping a bundle of arranged flowers in one hand while furiously texting and wiping away sweat with the other. I hope everything worked out okay buddy.

·         That awkward moment when you see someone you know and you try to become invisible, or beg for Alex Mack powers so you can turn into a puddle - happened twice last month.

·         I was asked to talk at my graduation for AmeriCorps….what an absolute honor. A speech, a lot different from a story and I tried my best. I naturally quoted a Fat Boy Slim song, Lauryn Hill and of course MLK.

·         My best friend had an accident and it reminded me again how precious life is and how vulnerable all of us are. Remember to appreciate the joys everyone. Dwell on the good and tell your friends how much you love them.

·         I’m 100% itching for an adventure. I’m broke and unemployed…so I have been just “running” I put that in quotations because sometimes when I’m “running” I turn into Phoebe from Friends. You know the episode where she just starts flailing her arms around. That happens sometimes.

·         For other exercise I have been walking the railroad tracks. I think that helps right?

·         It’s hard not to be reflective while I am going through another transition in my life.  I’m continuously “changing” since I opened that flood gate in Colorado. It’s funny once you are forced to embrace change how much you can get addicted to it. (Does that make sense to anyone?) I’m ready.

·         I really miss living with a house full of my beautiful Fort Collins ladies and gents. Life felt so free there. I crave that feeling a lot still.

·         I love the USA Women’s National Soccer Team. Mostly because of these players. They are my idols.:

·         I was able to recite the entire Baywatch Barbie commercial last night at dinner, cousins, why do we know this?:

·         Count down to my favorite week of the year, 7 days until I’m here.....

(Phone turned off. Pounding candy. Getting "tan.")

·         I saw a man on the commuter rail yesterday that I wanted to learn more about. He was in his late 60’s (I’d say) and was wearing a U.S Postal Services uniform and was reading a novel from the Boston Public Library. He was one of those people who naturally looked kind. He laughed a few hearty chuckles to himself about whatever the book was about and smiled the whole ride. I really enjoyed his presence.

·         Besides Tom, whom I am going to name the nice man I described above….everyone else was legit robots on the commuter rail last night. Everyone was texting, sleeping, playing games, typing on laptops. It was so quiet too. A toddler kicked his shoe and it made a loud noise and I saw a man dressed in fancy business clothes mouth the words “Shut the F*** up.” What has our world come to? Dude, he’s like 3, give him a break – it only happened once. 

·         The T should have music on and there should be a mandatory dance party.

·         It’s been way too hot outside. I know, I shouldn’t complain, because winter will be here soon, I know, settle down. It has to do with the humidity for me, personally (I’m a severe asthmatic if you didn’t know), because when the air is this thick I have no choice but to sit in my room in the A/C and watch re-runs of Felicity. Which I don’t mind. But I really should out in the world running like Phoebe or walking the tracks or straight up “Gump’in it” around town, ya know.

·         I’ve created an office on my porch. I get extension cords and get my laptop set up on a glass table with books propped up under so I don’t have to hunch over to the computer. I have been applying to jobs like it’s my job. I have crowned my mom my “boss” mostly because she has been home sick and she’s been one of the only humans I’ve been able to interact with. Why you ask? Because I’m broke, unemployed and well, my car, Billy, yeah, he’s not goin too far. (If you want to learn more about this, scroll down for more detail.)

·       I got lost going to a BBQ. I went to the wrong address. There was an old man on his porch and he was really wanting to help me figure out where I went wrong. The BBQ Party I was headed to was called the "I will never die party" because in case you didn't know, I am never going to die. Anyways, I asked him if it was the right place.....Nope. He seemed like a nice old man, so I figured I would let him try to help. You know how older people sometimes really want to help. He didn't realize that I could literally just call someone on my cell phone, get the address and then I'd be on my way.... , He REALLY wanted to help. He said he had heard of another street like his but with an "ave" instead of "street." So he wanted me to come into his home while he dug through his mail. Which I did. Looking back - I know, I know, I should not have entered this strangers house. But live and learn.... I walk in and there is a lady with bright blue hair sitting in the living room petting a cat WAY TO HARD. The finger lines from each stroke could be seen from where I was standing, in the doorway. I took this as my "get out of here" sign. I said thank you to the nice old man and quietly slipped out the door.

·         Also, I just bought some new deodorant which is the second most scandalous thing I’ve bought ...besides 50 Shades of Grey, it’s called “Sexy Intrigue.”

Remember when we discovered we loved Ohio?

I commuted to Boston today.

On the Train. Yes, Train.

Train Train Train.

It was uneventful. Seriously. Nothing happened. Ok well one “thing” happened: on the Orange line I did try to squeeze in between two guys and I kind of sat on one of their legs, a little bit. Not enough for me to apologize, but enough that I had to balance all my weight on my toes when I “sat down” if you know what I mean. It was uncomfortable.

I’ve also been listening to this song all day, it’s about a train, it’s called the “Train Song”:

I got a flat tire on Tuesday and I over reacted, I got mad. I know these things happen to “people.” But for as long as I can remember Billy has never done something like that. To me.

We have a certain understanding. I’m not sure why.  

Billy is my car.

He doesn’t make any sense. He’s a 2001 Chevy Cavalier….and he just keeps… going. I mean, to be honest a lot of that has to do with my dad, J.Kirk, whom is a “car guy” so, maybe it makes “a little sense.” (Thanks dad!)

(Please note this is not "my" Billy)

From the moment I saw him I was in love. He’s silver and he resembles an alien both on the inside and outside.  Smooth weird, egg shaped outside. Alien spit grey and blue on the insides. The light in the middle of the drivers and passenger seat is a perfect alien head and the two light bulbs look like the eyeballs. I’m not kidding, it’s freaky.

A women, whom I don’t know anything about except that she was leaving the country, brought him to my house one fateful day back in 2004. My dad arranged this meeting. I had nothing to do with it. That was it. Thank god for that women.

Sold.

The first CD I played in Billy was Reel Big Fish…….HECK YEAH.

My dad has always taught me to “keep up” with the car. So he has always stayed relatively clean. I like to vacuum him up; I use ArmorAll to make sure his grey plastic shines around my radio and above the steering wheel. I shine his tires too.  J.Kirk will wash him when I pull into the driveway. He will also wash your car if you pull into our driveway.

I loved being the DD in high school. Shut up. I liked it. (I’m serious.) I wasn’t a big drinker, but I liked hanging out with my friends. I also liked making sure everyone was safe and sound at the end of their nights. Each ride ended with Billy Joel blasting, or some kind of amazing 90’s hit like this:

I would drop people off one by one and sometimes even receive treats for exchange for the ride; my favorite ones included a big hug, candy or a can of Spaghetti-O’s. (Which I really did receive once.)

Billy has endured some cigarette burns on his interior, but he doesn’t mind. I don’t either; they are scars that remind me of driving and listening to music with friends. A past time that most all Boro folk remember and cherish.

Ice coffee with Kimm and Mindy.

Peace Train Days with Biff Wagon.

Driving up to Vermont with Mikey and Matt screaming this song:

I’ve had some sad moments in Billy as well. At Lyndon State you could usually find me on the hill at the bench. I would drive up there and sit. Ponder life.  

He has seen me at my best and my worst.

He has kept me safe.

He drove me to Colorado and back. YEP. Northern route and southern. Heck he’s been in Tennessee, Texas, Nebraska (I hate Nebraska.)

Remember when we discovered we loved Ohio? Oh man, good times.

So, this is my apology to Billy. I’m sorry I got so angry at you on Tuesday.

I’m sorry you’re getting old.

 I’m sorry you sound like a race car because your muffler has a hole in it.

I feel like a rotten mother and my baby boy is screaming for attention.

Poor Billy.

Thank you for keeping me safe. I won’t get mad again. I promise.

Your Mama,

Mal

When in doubt, give them “the hand”

I have to confess something. I wrote and shared a story at a talent show that I never posted here. (Yes, I was in a talent show, don’t look surprised.)  But now seems like a fitting time to share it…since, well, last night at the gym, I had an encounter with one of my bullies.

How do I know it was him, well, he started running sideways on the treadmill next to me. He was not so tough without his sidekick and he wasn’t wearing his sweat suit. (Maybe that's his bullying costume?) I promise this will all make more sense once I catch you up.....

Let’s rewind several months ago. This is a story I don’t like to share…..for obvious reasons. But for you, okay, fine.  

I was tag team bullied at the gym. Yes, this happened.

It all happened so fast. Here’s what I remember:

I finally got on a treadmill after having to wait a good 15 minutes.

 The first two miles were smooth sailing. Good pace. Breathing was good - I didn’t even need my inhaler. (That’s a huge success.) Everything was going great, I was bumping some TLC and I was almost done, one more mile.

 I was looking forward to going home, kicking my feet up, catching up on some TV and eating the rest of the Dove candies I had placed in the freezer before I left. (Eating candy after the gym is fine right, it cancels out?) It was going to be a superb night.  I might even start the second Hunger Games book. The possibilities were endless.

Then the two treadmills beside each side of me opened up and my visions of Dove chocolates and The Hunger Games disappeared. This is when I met my two bullies. Two guys, most likely high school aged wearing blue and grey sweat suits with their hoods pulled shut (how can you see?) jumped on both sides of me.

I actually liked them at first because I really respect people who wear sweat suits, primarily because I also like to wear sweat suits.

But as they started their treadmills everything changed.

They were mocking me. Straight up: Running at the same exact speed at the same time. At first I thought I was paranoid. So I tested my theory by increasing my speed up one. On demand they pressed their speeds up one. I saw their lips moving so I lowered my volume to hear what they were saying ….

“Oh you’re gunna speed up now, huh?”

OH MY GOD…..

“Is this REALLY happening to me?”I thought.....

I felt just like Kevin in Home Alone before his badass attitude kicked in.

 I was being bullied. I mean, don’t get me wrong, middle school was 100% hell for me too, just like everyone else, but I haven’t felt this way in a long time.

I love sarcasm, I love messing with people, but when it’s good in nature and the person doesn’t feel victimized. This was different. It was blatantly obvious they were just waiting for me to break.  

I could not even look at these guys; I focused my eyes forward and just pushed through it. Then one of the guys turned his body to the side so he was facing me and started running sideways while he was punching the air? (Like what the hell are you doing?) The other guy was also lifting his arms and “whooping” the guy on. They were making a scene. I hated it.

At this point I was just disgusted with them and uncomfortable. I stopped my treadmill, lifted my right fist and I punched navy sweat suit square in the face. Blood was everywhere and then I yelled “NOT IN MY HOUSE!” while I hit my chest like a gorilla.

Just kidding. I wish I had the guts to do that. I did the only thing I could think of: I gave both of them “the hand.” I know you might not remember it….it was REALLY BIG back in the day: you know when you swivel your hand and put it in someone’s face to say: “AS IF!” That’s what I did. Ok, bad example. I bet you are envisioning me as a girl in Clueless. No, No, No it was more of a POWERFUL hand, it was STEADY and STRONG and I just yelled: “STOP!” I was like Kimberly the Pink Ranger.

(If you are a male and you feel uncomfortable trying to be Kimberly, you can follow this guys lead)

They got the message and everyone looked at them. They stopped their treadmills and got off.  Move along.  You do not deserve to wear those sweat suits!

I wish I had punched them or tackled them and put treadmill burns on their faces with my initials. (Too much?) Yes that’s too much.

Lessons learned, thoughts:

When in doubt, give them “the hand” (pretend you are Kimberly, not a girl in Clueless) I’m seriously amazed it still works.

Yelling “STOP!” made everyone look over to the situation, it was very effective.

Do not be deceived by sweat suits, not everyone wearing one is nice.

Be kind everyone. Be kind to one another.

Future mornings

Daydream, I fell asleep beneath the flowers for a couple of hours....on a beautiful day...

I want to go on an adventure so badly, but don’t have the time or the funds, sadly. So I have been daydreaming a lot. Here is a little peek into my future mornings (hopefully.)


 “Straight up Gumpin' it”

I open my eyes to the sunshine streaming through the old worn clay colored shutters. The sunshine makes lines across the room where only my backpack lays next to my now light blue shoes. I sit up slowly and stretch my arms up. I let them fall over my head and a smile crosses my sunburned face. I turn my ankles and feel the muscles and tendons tighten. I roll over and stand on my feet. I look into the old mirror to see my sunburned nose and my now light brown long hair. I touch my shoulders lightly where I can faintly see indents where my bag has been pressing in with each step I have taken.  I reach over to the small window and lift it open. Dust flies up towards me and I give out a loud sneeze as I brush it all away from the window pane. I cross my arms on the clean wooden pane and place my chin on top of them. I’m about 100 yards from the ocean and can smell the salt air as it dances into my hair. I close my eyes for a moment.

“When I’m 35”

 My alarm goes off and I quickly turn it off. I open my eyes to see my inhaler under my nose. I get up quietly and change into my running clothes. I leave the room and close the door and walk towards the kitchen. I put my IPod into its protector and then walk towards the fridge. I grab my red water bottle and fill it up with water - then I place it in the freezer. It will be nice and cold when I get back. I walk to the front door with my inhaler clutched in one hand and my IPod in the other. I open the door and the heat wraps around me like a blanket. I sit on the porch and stretch my legs. I can hear the ducks on the pond talking to each other and the faint sounds of the giant trees as they sway. The woods are awakening as I take my first strides down the old dirt road.

“Why are tents expensive?”

 It’s too hot in the tent as I grab the zipper to get some fresh air in. With each inch of the zipper moving downward the view gets more breathtaking.  The magenta pinks and Florida oranges of the sunrise are as bright as Crayola crayons. I crawl out of the tent and take off my sweatshirt. I stand in my t-shirt and shorts barefoot and walk towards the fire pit. I sit cross legged as I stare across the magnificent mountains and the bright colors as they weave across the sky. It’s silent and still and I am in awe.




I'll leave you with some Zeppelin, why not?



Glory days, cape days.

There was a time in my life when wearing a cape was a normal, standard behavior.

In fact, I was known to some people as “one of the cape girls.” (That is not a Cape Cod reference; I'm talking a legit cape, like what Count Dracula wears.)

I did not wear my cape alone, EVER. I only wore it when my dear friend Tiff (aka the other cape girl) also wore hers.

What did these capes look like? How could this not be the creepiest thing you’ve ever heard of?

• Mine was lime green with psychedelic 70’s pink and orange flowers all over it. I also wrote “GO CSU” (Colorado State University – our college) on the back with a thick permanent black marker.
• Tiff’s was also green; it resembled a seaweed type of material. (As I recall this was a part of your mermaid costume circa Halloween’10??)

We didn’t wear creepy capes. They were friendly and we were not creepy people.  In fact, Tiff and I made the capes into a fashion statement, a "fun maker" and their presence turned into an accidental social experiment.....

Why the capes were A HIT:

• Wearing a cape out to the bars was like an instant awesome people sifter. What I mean is, the people who would come hang out with us or express their like for our cape-ness were pretty amazing people.  The people who made fun of us were assholes. Without those capes we could have ended up talking to an asshole without knowing it until hours into the conversation, but with these capes - it was a no-brainer, a huge time saver.
• We had friends who saw the capes in action and wanted in. Naturally, we made them capes too.
• People would be genuinely disappointed if Tiff and I showed up to a party without our capes on.
• We rode our bikes everywhere in Colorado. E-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Have you ever ridden a bike with A CAPE ON? It’s how you’re supposed to ride your bike. If you're into instant gratification and you're having a bad day, make yourself a cape, hop on your bike and I swear you will begin to smile. It's a lot like skipping: you can't help but start grinning when you do it, even though you might look silly. It must be the same type of phenomenon people experience when they go sky diving, it's that good.  All I can say is:  you have to try it. 
• Instant convo starter. I’m all about convo starters. As many of you know, I have often expressed interest in receiving a black eye just so people can ask me “where did you get that black eye!?” Just like that black eye, it’s hard to ignore two girls walking around in capes. “Why are you wearing capes?” OH YEAH BABY, SWEET VICTORY, INSTANT CONVO STARTER.
• Similar to riding your bike, dancing with a cape is a great feeling. It’s like the cheaper version of a “twirly dress.”
•  Ladies, guys will buy you free drinks because you have a cape on. I don’t know why. But it happens 

The only downfall to these capes:

       

I must warn you that sometimes the assholes I mentioned earlier will indeed, be assholes. You should just give them the swift “suck-it” and move along. 

 

There was this one incident with my cape:

 

It was a summer night in beautiful Colorado. Tiff and I were getting ready for a night of "cape fun". We draped them over our backs, jumped on our bikes and headed to a party with some friends.

 

 It was your standard party set up, ruit in the garage, people inside mingling, whispering sweet nothings to each other. Tiff and I were around the ruit table waiting for our turn. I decided to duck under the almost closed garage door to get some fresh air. (We had been dancing to Stevie Wonder inside for a long time before this. I was sweating.)

 

I went to duck under the garage door when all of a sudden: this KID (asshole) pushed the button for the garage door. Yes, the door was closing in on my hunched over body. So I did what anyone else would do: I tried to barrel roll under the closing door. Mid-barrel roll I realized my cape wasn’t going to make it, so I did what anyone else would do: I pretended I was Indiana Jones in "Raiders of the Lost Ark” and snatched my cape up right before the garage slammed shut. It was intense….and I was talked about. “Oh yeah, are you talking about that girl with the cape that escaped the garage door…. ?”

 

Overall: Let this post be a reminder not to stereotype capes under the creepy category.

 

UNLESS: You are a Dragon wearing a cape.

 

A Dragon (by my definition): Someone who wears all black, slicks their hair back with gel and wears chains all over their body. If you are a girl Dragon, you might wear white make-up and red lipstick.

 

In this case, if a Dragon wears a cape, then it is, indeed, creepy.

 

I am personally afraid of Dragons.

 

Also: Be very weary of people who wear capes in the front instead of the back. That is straight up bizarre behavior and you should avoid people who do this at all costs.

 

Side note: When I hear Bruce Springsteen singing “Glory Days” I picture Tiff and I riding our bikes with our capes flapping in the wind.