Steady as the Aggro Crag

I have never smelt anything worse in my entire life. I have encountered dog shit, hockey bags, rotten milk and cat urine among other disgusting, god awful smells but this smell was like no other. This smell was 100% repulsive and unforgettable.

It was The Day of Smell. It was a Tuesday. And for some reason I found my nose taking over.

1) I bought new oatmeal. It’s called cinnamon roll, I bought it for obvious reasons.  I want to eat cinnamon rolls every single day, but I would be a house, so I figured I would trick my body by getting oatmeal that slightly resembles a delectable roll of cinnamon. I warmed it up and then I opened the microwave. Instantly a heat wave of cinnamon goodness hit me like those bricks that hit Harry & Marv in Home Alone 1. POW. I was so psyched. I sat down with my pretend cinnamon roll and ate every morsel of it. With each lift of the spoon the overwhelming smell of its spices and warmth intoxicated me. (I closed my eyes and I was at my house sitting at my old kitchen table with the old country light swinging over my head. It was winter and snowing outside and I was wearing slippers.) This cinnamon roll oatmeal took me for a ride. And it was only 8am.

2) Coconut Tropical Oasis. That is how I would describe this body lotion that a co-worker has. I used it and I smelled like a Pina- Colada all day. Loved it. (If I closed my eyes this smell would take me to a beach in California, I had just finished rollerblading along the board walk in a sweet 80's oufit.)

3) Macaroni & Cheese makes me so happy. There are so many happy moments in my life that have included this food, so when I saw my co-worker walk by with a bowl and the cheesy goodness hit my nose  a strong case of nostalgia crept up.  Mac & Cheese and I go way back. I’m talking like circa 1994. (I smell that mac & cheese and I go right back to pink stretchy pants and my bright red headband that had sharp plastic teeth that hurt my head but I would wear it because I loved it so much.) You see, this was the meal that my dad would make me when he was in charge. One time, I walked downstairs, smelt the mac & cheese, ran into the kitchen, saw he was cooking it and started jumping up and down. I then decided to use the counter as a prop so I could propel my jumps higher. I put my hands on the counter and whaled my head upwards while I jumped and then I nailed my head on the corner of a cabinet. The end result of this concluded with a bleeding head, but a very happy stomach. Just a month ago at my house my dad put on a taste test between Kraft Macaroni & Cheese VS. Wegman’s Brand (Weggys.) Obviously the outcome resulted with Kraft, because it is the cheesiest. If I could, I would marry Kraft Mac & Cheese.

4) I walked into the house to some more news that was related to smell. Kato informed me that we have a skunk living under our porch. She saw him. He was walking around. He has a hole he lives in. Well, that’s not good. They smell. They smell real bad. (So, if anyone has any ideas about how to get rid of skunks please contact me.) So far the following ideas have been presented: a boom box will frighten him, ammonia or other perfumes with repulse him, make a trap? Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. I don’t want to be sprayed because then I will smell, real bad.

5) After hearing about the skunk I went to the gym. I wanted to get my 3 miles in, clear my mind, get in the zone - all that jazz. I enter the gym, ah, standard gym. If this gym were in a movie it would be in Mean Girls or Clueless or some teen movie where girls gather in groups to chat about Leonardo DiCaprio (is he still around, that’s who I think of when I think of hunky men, he was so good in Titanic.) Anyways, I enter the pop infected gym and make my way to the back to the treadmill’s (or hamster wheels as I call them.) Unfortunately I had to wait for one of these machines to open up; it was prime Treddy time, 7pm. I stood there clutching my bright blue inhaler and my new small gym towel. I love my gym towel. I’m standing there listening to Tag Team’s “Whooomp There It Is” when the nice women in the pink jumpsuit points to a treadmill opening up, I wave to her and jump dance to the open wheel.  I set up shop. This means I place my huge inhaler in the circle and place my towel over the screen in front of my face so I don’t have to see my reflection bob up and down for the next hour.  Excellent, things are going swimmingly. There’s an older lady to my right and a guy my age who is an Arm Swinger to my left (this means he swings his arms really high when running). Both seem like great people. I put my speed to the appropriate level and I’m off.

Steady as the Aggro Crag I am busting through the first mile, I feel like I am on Global Guts as DJ E-Z Rock comes on and is singing Joy & Pain,  this is perfection. There WAS so much joy, but as my high Arm Swinger stopped his treadmill that pain was about to set in. Arm Swinger leaves and this New Guy comes over. New Guy was not even to the treadmill and I could smell him. I can’t even describe this stench. This is my best go at it: imagine rotten bananas, rotting meat and some sort of dead animal carcass mixed with rotten milk now imagine that it’s all warm – I think that was the worst part, warm air is gross.

 It was so bad that I tried holding my breath at one point, I even tried to smell my arm in hopes that the coconut lotion would help. I was running so close to the women to my right that I nearly fell off the treadmill numerous times. I even tried to huff my towel. Since it was clean it had a lovely reminisce of Tides: “Febreze Sport” on it, it smelled fantastic. I tried blocking my nose too. Nothing worked. I was one mile in and I had to finish my three miles. I had to. I couldn’t switch now. I was there first. So I had to endure it. Luckily for me I out ran the New Guy. He left after I finished mile 2.

The next guy was wearing a complete black sweat suit and he ran with his hood on. I liked him, we were going at a similar pace and he smelled like cigarettes. Cigarettes remind me of my friends so I felt comfortable with black sweat suit, I respected him. I ran my last mile with him and gathered my belongings. I felt like I had been to hell and back through that run, like I had passed some kind of torturous social experiment.

I called my cousin as soon as I left to fill her in on this smell I encountered. I wish I could have captured some of its essence in a jar. I would wrap it up and send it to someone who really pissed me off. It would be the ultimate revenge. Cause let me tell you, I will never ever forget that smell.

So everyone remember, I don’t care if you shower or not, do what you do, wear deodorant or don’t, I am open to whatever, but please do not go to a small closed in facility and expose your bodily scents to others at such close quarters where this is warm recycled air. Just try not to. That’s all I ask.

And for everyone else going to the gym, my suggestion would be to get a gym towel and make sure you use Tides: “Febreze Sport”, I swear it saved my life.  (Literally, if I closed my eyes and smelled Tides: “Febreze Sport” I would be laying in the special field in Twilight with Edward Cullin with thousands of flowers blooming around us and small cute puppies everywhere. Yes it’s that good.)