I have no idea what she's talking about, but she is Rihanna, so I trust her.

"Well now I'm standing on the corner dressed like a hooker." - Me at approximately 12pm on a Monday...talking to Kato.

I had a meeting on this Monday. I forgot I had to dress up for this meeting. Here's what happened: (insert the Special Victims Unit…SVU… chimes, you know that Law & Order show…. when there is a pause in the scene and that “dun, dun” noise arises out of nowhere but it’s chime-like….I wish I could place a sound bit here….but you get it….)

On this Monday I wore teal jeans with my brown boots, a black shirt and my circle necklace, a nice standard outfit for a standard Monday. I realized once I got to work -once I really LOOKED at the e-mail for this meeting that it has a dress code: "Business casual." Two very dreadful words for a poor 25 year old who still wears "those black stretch pants from Pacific Sun from 7th grade" (every girl had a pair, I just still have mine…and wear them.)

So I needed to go about 20 minutes (one way) to the house and change. I had about 30 minutes to do this (go both to the house and get back). I said I could do it. I said that, out loud, but in real life: I did not make it back on time. Here’s what happened:  (Insert SVU chimes)

On my way to the house it was your classic: I'm in a rush but everyone else is moving as slow as molasses. I tried to yield into traffic on to Storrow Drive which would have been smooth sailing, but instead out of nowhere a line of children with their chaperones were on their way to the Science Museum standing at the cross walk  right in front of me. Wonderful. You would have thought this was the line for Rockin’ Rollercoaster at Disney or the line to see the cliff divers at Casa Bonita, it was never ending. I waited for such a long time for these people to scurry along. About as long as it takes for a Laffy Taffy to melt in your mouth and everyone knows that takes FOR-EV-ER.

Once the snake of humans disappeared I looked at my clock, excellent 10 minutes went by. That means I have 10 minutes to get to the house and back, absolutely not going to happen unless I somehow roll around in toxic waste and become the next Alex Mack. Sadly, this did not happen. So I decide that I needed to do the next best thing: go buy some clothes at the mall. Ew. I hate going to the mall even if I am not rushed and stressed out.  With distress in my eyes and fear looming in my brain I pulled into the garage. I really wish I never pulled into that garage. Here’s why.... (Insert SVU chimes)

It's dark in this garage. IT’S LOUD in the garage, literally machines everywhere doing construction (just my luck). I am driving a little fast in this garage when I come up to a chunk of concrete in the middle of the lanes and my car goes right into it. Excellent, a dark cave with loud noises and random chunks of concrete laying around. I park and look at the car; Billy is a magical car he looks flawless and is smiling at me. Good boy.

I walk around the 2nd floor where I parked probably once, no, I was running and I’m thinking to myself that this is a maze. A trick.  How do I get into this damn mall! I finally see a person who is chiseling the ground, no doubt the culprit of the concrete I just ran over and I ask him how to get into the mall. He points me to an elevator and I sprint towards it as if it's the Peaslee field day again and it's the last event: the 100 yard dash. I get to the elevator and push every button out of A) rage and B) curiosity. The doors open and it appears that I have landed right outside the men's changing room at Macy’s. Awkward. I jump out and swerve between two men discussing what the "Year of the Dragon" means and if the world really is going to end. I wanted to tell them my world was ending right now, but I just kept running.

I spot a store, I don't even remember what store it was, but I saw women’s clothing and went in. I see a person who works there and I instantly go up to her. In ANY other situation I would literally dodge these people like they are mutants carrying the plague, but today was different, I needed them. I run up to plague girl and ask her to show me where the dresses and leggings are, she points, I run. I grab a red dress and black leggings. I am in PANIC MODE now; I have literally 5 minutes to get back to the office. I am freaking out so much that I literally run behind the counter to get to the changing room. Yes behind the counter, like the area where only the workers go (yes, where the register is.) I get this outfit on me and 1) the leggings are a mile too long for me 2) the dress is straight up sticking to my legs because of static electricity. GREAT GRAND WONDERFUL. I can't wear this.

I change back into the teal and black and I throw the clothes to the side and bust a move out of there. I see H&M and I book it. From my understanding they are the most standard store, just good ‘ol bold colored clothes, exactly what I need. I walk in and I run up to another plague infected person and tell her “I need black leggings with a black dress, I'm running late for a meeting, help." This lady was Rihanna. I know she was. She was so hip and helpful. She picked out my outfit, I tried it on and I buy it. As if it could really be that easy. (Insert SVU chimes)

She looks at the dress and goes, this wasn’t the one I wanted you to try on this is the "jersey" you need the actually "dress, dress." I have no idea what she is talking about, but she is Rihanna, so I trust her. I tell her to just grab me a medium and she does. I look at my clock. I should be leaving right now for this meeting with another person. So I change into my outfit there. OH MY GOD. I look like I’m going to a rave. This is not business casual.  This is the exact opposite of business casual. This is a business slutty outfit a college girl would wear to a Halloween party, but there’s no time. No time. (Insert SVU chimes)

I exit the store in my tight black dress and just pretend that everything is cool (pretend you're Felicity I tell myself.) I am about 4 minutes late, but everything will be okay. That’s what I thought at least (insert SVU chimes)

I pass three more men waiting for the changing room on my way to the elevator. (Why in the world are 3 men not working at 11:00 am on a Monday?) I jump into the elevator, I am scrambling for my damn parking ticket and am trying to remember which floor I parked on, ok, so if I entered on the 3rd floor I must have been parked on the 2^nd floor since I did a victory lap to find this sacred hidden elevator. Yes. I was correct; things were starting to look up until everything fell down the crapper. (Insert SVU chimes)

I get to my car. You would think it would be simple to get out of a parking garage right? On the second floor? Easy Peasey. Nope. I was going up and down aisles and swerving around 40 year old women in fur jackets trying to get out of there. I found a hotel entrance. Not even kidding a hotel entrance in this parking lot, so I park Billy in a handicap spot and nervously grab my phone, I have to end this. I lose. I can't go to the meeting. It's too late. The garage has my soul. I stumble into the dark evil cave which is bellowing so loudly of construction that I have to enter into the hotel lobby to call the office, I tell the person I was going with that I can't go, they should go alone. (Insert SVU chimes)

 So there I am, in a hotel, in my tight black dress, hair mangled, sweat dripping down my face and hands shaking. I get back into Billy. I navigate through the crowd of fake nailed ladies and then I spot the man from earlier who was talking about the year of the dragon - he was heading to his car so I asked him how the HELL people get out of here. He points up and I see that from his direction there must be an exit sign, so I scoop around to face where he was pointing and sure enough there it is the enchanted glowing red sign. Thank god. I follow down about 5 floors until I see a light. Imagine the scene in Home Alone where Kevin finally musters up enough courage to face the loud evil furnace in the basement: The furnace laughs at him and says “hello Kevin” and Kevin just responds with “SHUT UP.” That was exactly my mood at that moment, the garage thundering laughter at me and when I finally saw that angelic glow in the distance all I was thinking was “SHUT UP!” I swerve out of there like a bat out of hell and go back to the office. I made 2 phone calls: One to my mom and another to Kato. (Insert SVU chimes)

I was really upset once I got back to work because 1) I hate be unreliable 2) I hate being late 3) I felt like an idiot 4) My anxiety was so bad that my body literally felt numb (imagine your head has 1,000 thick rubber bands on it, you just got the wind knocked out of you by a soccer ball and you just got your heart broken…all at the same time…and that was my anxiety level.)

Those are the bad things about this cave day...but there is something positive I learned:

 After thinking about it and looking at my highly comical tight black dress and also finding both tags were still dangling off of me once I got back to the office I just started to laugh. You have to be able to laugh at yourself. If you ever encounter a cave-like-day try to see the awkward black tight dress in the situation and laugh.

Life goes on. Heck; I might even be a casual business slut for next Halloween. 

I stood next to the rotisserie chicken

How I survived on 9 dollars this week:

Let’s re-cap this week shall we? I realized on Monday that I had exactly 9 dollars to my name. My gas tank was two lines away from empty and the only food I had in my possession included: peanut butter, saltines, oatmeal and Emergen-C.

Monday: Thankfully I had an event for my lovely job. This means that they feed us, which is very nice of them. I got there early, naturally, to get my free T-shirt and mow down on the goods. I consumed 2 bagels and 1 delicious Boston Kreme donut at breakfast as well as 2 pieces of pizza for lunch. I was getting ready for the week before me. Time to bulk up. I guzzled coffee and soda until my stomach was bloated and I had to unbutton the top of my pants for the ride home. This is great I thought; this will certainly fill me for the long hall.

Tuesday: I ate one packet of oatmeal for breakfast and 2 packets of Super Orange Emergen-C plus a huge cup of coffee. Thank god for free coffee at work. By lunch time I was famished. I looked in my green eco bag to see my reliable jar of Jiffy peanut butter and standard CVS brand saltines. Welp, this will have to do. I made 6 small cracker sandwiches and lined them up three on one side, three on the other. Nice. I ate them one by one trying to eat slowly to savor the flavor but by doing this it made me feel sick. Too much peanut butter, too much saltine, too much, help. I ate like 5 spoonfuls of disgusting soup for dinner and I forced myself to sleep.

Wednesday: Good morning oatmeal bowl, 2 Emergen-C packets and my trusty cup of coffee, I love you. By lunch I was not even a human. I NEEDED a special treat. I found out that a woman in the office was selling Girl Scout cookies. This is where the dilemma began. I know I only have 9 dollars for the week, but when will I get the chance to purchase GIRL SCOUT COOKIES? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity I told myself, I handed over the 4 dollars and shoved the 5 dollar bill in my pocket. I took a bite of my first Somoas of the season (I am still going to call them that even though my box called them “Caramel deLights”, which is bullshit by the way) and instantly knew I made the right decision.  I ate about 6 more throughout the day and at one point was dancing in the isle of my cubical with two in both hands jumping up and down. These are seriously good cookies and I highly suggest everyone go buy a few boxes.

What you ask could top those cookies? My dinner. That’s right; my roommate (who I call Kato) decided she would cook dinner. Can you believe my luck? To have a roommate that would cook and then let me enjoy some of the yum yums? So we went off to the grocery store. I stood next to the rotisserie chicken to indulge in the smell and to get warm while Kato was an adult and gathered the food. While we were there I realized I had some bran cereal (gross I know) I could eat for the rest of the week if I bought milk, I bought the small one for about 2 bucks, perfect, now I still had two dollars for gas, excellent! Things are really working out! I ate a delicious dinner.  I felt like I was in Hook in the food fight scene (I did not throw food at Kato, don’t worry) but it was the most beautiful feast I could have ever imagined. The colors of the veggies, the magical rice pilaf, the delectable Buffalo Chicken…..yes I did capitalize it, because this Buffalo Chicken is considered royalty to me and my stomach and might be the reason why I survived this week. Big shout out to Kato for saving my life.

Thursday: What’s up oatmeal bowl, get in my belly 2 Emergen-C packets. I consumed my coffee too, it was delicious, a Hawaiian Hazelnut brew, oh my god. Awesome.  At lunchtime I consumed more cookies, I couldn’t even look at my jar of peanut butter but my stomach was growling, I had to consume some substance. So I decided that I should just pound coffee. I did this. I then had so much energy after work that I was able to get my 3 mile run in. On my way home I had to stop to fill up my tank (with two dollars). “Um, yeah, 2 dollars of regular please”. Yikes!  After the run I felt weak and tired, I ate a bowl of bran cereal (ew) and finished off my girl scout cookies (so sad they are gone) and then called it a night.

Friday:  I woke up and my stomach was demanding food. I got to work and looked through my car until I found a handful of dimes; I went into work and did the same in my desk. I found 3 dollars in dimes. Sweet victory, a bagel is in my future.  I bought that everything bagel with plain cream cheese and counted out those dimes, one by one building dime towers. I felt like the little boy and his sister in Aladdin when they receive the stolen bread, I felt unbelievably grateful, probably as grateful as the Natives & Pilgrims on that first Thanksgiving (I get it now).

I get paid today, so my lifestyle will change. I might even fill up my gas tank later, buy a loaf of bread, the opportunities are not endless, they are limited, but life is good.

(Note: I was slightly food deprived while I wrote this post.)